Thursday, July 30, 2015

What the?! Where has the time gone??

Wow... I feel like such a loser! My last post was in December!! A lot has happened since then, and I have just completely lost track of time! There are so many things that I wanted to blog about, but other things kept happening and I feel so bad for not writing them down!

Where to begin... Christmas was a really hard time for us, and we struggled, but we made it through. The new year brought a new start for me and Tyler. It was a good time to start fresh, and to keep ourselves going.  January came and brought new hope and lots of new blessings. It was a time for us to reflect on the previous year, what we had been through, what made us stronger, and what got us through the hard times. It was a good reminder that we really are blessed, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it when we face trials.

Shortly after Brenna left us, Tyler and I both agreed that we wanted to try for another baby... It was a really hard and stressful time for both of us--We knew we wanted to continue our family, and prayed everyday for it to happen. I got a little bit selfish, and as time passed, decided that Heavenly Father wasn't listening to me or answering my prayers. I really struggled, because I desperately wanted to have a family (which I did, but a different kind... A special family in Heaven.). It got harder and harder each month when I found out I wasn't pregnant, and I kind of wanted to just give up. I asked my husband, and my dad for a priesthood blessing (In November of 2014), which stated that Heavenly Father was listening and I needed to be patient because there were blessings coming, but that they would come according to my Heavenly Father's timeline. I knew then that I would have another baby, and that my prayers would be answered--not according to me and my timeline, but that my Heavenly Father would bless us when the time was right. Its never fun to wait, especially when you are already hurting, and just want an answer. But I finally felt at peace, and knew that it would happen, when the time was right.

In March, after lots of prayers, priesthood blessings, temple trips, and a lot of scripture study, Tyler and I found out we were expecting. We were beyond excited and couldn't hardly believe it! I immediately fell to my knees with tears in my eyes and thanked my Heavenly Father for answering our prayers. I knew at that moment that this sweet baby was in Heaven wrapped in Brenna's arms.
A few weeks in, we had a little scare, and had to have an ultrasound... Everything turned out to be just fine, but we were still scared. At 12 weeks we were able to hear a healthy and strong heartbeat, and at 16 weeks we were able to have an early gender check. Tyler and I were both pretty set that this one was a boy, and we already had his name picked out. Funny enough, my little sister and my father in law both had dreams about this baby, and it was a girl. When we got into the ultrasound, he was checking the baby, and then told us it was a GIRL! We were both shocked, the look on Tyler's face was priceless, but I knew that in that moment she already had him wrapped around her finger. I cried, (I blame the hormones!) happy tears! I always thought Brenna would be my only girl, but finding out Brenna was sending us her little sister was so exciting I could hardly handle it. The ultrasound didn't last long, because at 16 weeks the baby is still so small that you cant see everything you need to. We got a few pictures of the baby, and went on our way.

I met with my regular doctor that same week, and he scheduled me for another (extensive) ultrasound to make sure she was healthy (especially her little heart!)--this was my biggest fear, and obstacle to face during this pregnancy! I went in at 21 weeks, nervous and scared, with a constant prayer in my heart that everything would be okay! I don't think Tyler or I even took a breath for the 10 minutes the doctor spent looking over and over at her heart... We were both terrified! But, after lots of heart pictures and videos, he determined that she had a healthy heart with a good strong normal heartbeat! We were so relieved! He checked the rest of her body, and everything else looked great! She is full of attitude, and we can hardly wait to meet her. From the pictures we have seen of her face, she looks just like her big sister!

I am now 24 weeks pregnant, and feeling as good as you can. I am so happy that we get to add another beautiful baby girl to our family, and that she is healthy and strong. I know that Brenna is in Heaven with her, preparing her to join our crazy family.

My doctor has already scheduled my C-Section for the 12th of November- Only 15 weeks away! We are counting down, and are so anxious for her arrival. I don't think a day has passed that Tyler hasn't asked how much longer until she gets here :) I already know he is a great dad, and I can't wait to see him as a dad again. I think I will be lucky to even hold her at the hospital, because i'm pretty sure he is just going to steal her and not let anyone have her!

As far as other news, I took a job as the office manager at IFA, which is so nice- It allows me to be in the back, and do fun office duties- it didnt hurt that there was a pay raise either... ;) Other than that, it just the same old stuff. Tyler is still working at Big O, and being a full time student... If he stays on track with his schedule, he will be graduating next July! We are excited for what is in store for us the next few weeks and months.

I am going to try and keep the blog updated as often as I can. If you feel inclined, please remember to keep us in your prayers, we could still use them--as the time passes, we get more and more anxious! We love you all!

Tyler, McKensie, Brenna, & Baby K

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Just a little update!

Hi All! Happy December! I can't believe how fast time is flying, I feel like I can't keep up with how fast life goes! Sorry I have been MIA these last few months, Tyler and I have been so busy--especially with trying to adjust to our new life. I know a lot of you have been asking how we have been, and what we have been up to. Here is just a little glimpse of what has happened and has been going on in our life!

Tyler is still working hard, he is still working A LOT of hours, and still makes an effort to go to school, and be a great husband! He is getting through life the best he can, and is so patient with me. He is Scheduled to graduate around May of 2016! I know that is still a ways off.... but we are so excited! He has been working so hard, and its finally starting to pay off! I am so proud of him--it is so fun to be able to see him achieve his goals!

I am officially back to work (as of July), and I like it! It is a good thing for me to be able to get out of the house, and focus on other things. My IFA family has been so good to me, I love them all so much, and am so grateful for the friendships I have with them! Other than work, not much else is going on with me. I am trying my best to be a good wife, and a good friend. My calling in Relief Society also keeps me pretty busy, but I love it.

A couple of exciting things have happened, that I have been wanting to share--Back in October, Tyler and I were able to go to the cemetery and watch them install Brenna's headstone!!! It is so BEAUTIFUL! I absolutely love it! It is so nice to be able to go down to the cemetery and be able to have the headstone there.

This is what her headstone looks like! Tyler and I think it is absolutely PERFECT for our PERFECT angel! 

As we were deciding what we wanted her headstone to look like, we knew we wanted something special, and unique! We decided to have little copper hearts placed throughout the cement of her headstone. They look Beautiful!! 

It is our tradition, to go visit Brenna every holiday--we love to take her balloons, and release them into the sky. This was taken the day they installed the headstone. I LOVE this picture!

We still love and miss our baby girl every day. We think about her all the time, and long for the day that we get to be with her. As time has passed, we have started to heal--but the pain will never fully subside.  She will always be a part of our family, and we will always love and miss her. She has sent us multiple blessings from heaven. I know she is beyond happy, and doing the Lords work up above. She is watching out for me, and sends me little tender mercies when I need them most. She has given me strength and courage to reach out to others in need... She has sent me many missionary experiences, and chances to bear my testimony to others who are struggling. I know she is an incredible little spirit, and that she wants nothing more than for us to be happy! Being the mom of a sweet little angel is amazing and heart wrenching at the same time. She still tugs at my heartstrings! I love my Brenna more than anything in this world, she will always have my heart! 

"I will WALK BY FAITH even when i cannot see..."
2 Corinthians 5:7


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Count Your Blessings

I'm not going to lie and say that these last few weeks of our life have been a walk in the park; In fact, I'm going to be completely honest. We have good days, we have bad days, we have okay days, and we have terrible days. It has been a roller coaster!

 I often find myself sitting and pondering what happened--the more I dwell on it, the harder things seem to get. My mind won't shut off, and things spin out of control very quickly. I find myself asking questions as to why this had to happen...why us? It is incredibly easy to get upset over it, and the more I think about it, the more sad and angry I get. As I have talked with Tyler, my Mom, and numerous other family members I have realized that the more time and energy I put into being happy, the better I feel. It is okay to think about Brenna, and what we went through. I want her to be a part of our family-- It's okay to remember, and to feel different emotions. It is okay to talk about her, and remember her. I have learned that this experience will always be a part of me. I will have good days, and bad days regardless. But ultimately I am the one that will decide to be happy.

In trying to be happy, to accept my life, and where we are now, I decided to make a list of the things I consider blessings in my life. Before I start my list, I want to share some words of a hymn that has really helped me find the good in a not so great situation.

"So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end."

"Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done."

Count Your Blessings-verse 4 (LDS Hymn Book)

Blessing #1: Tyler
Tyler has been so good to me through everything. I'm sure at times he wants to strangle me, but he chooses to love me regardless. We have been through so much together. We have experienced things that most 22 year olds haven't. We have both struggled in ways that we never thought we would have to--but he is my rock, and he keeps me going when I want to give up. I am more and more amazed everyday at his strength. His testimony is incredible. He reminds me that our time here is precious, and that we should take advantage of every second--good and bad. He works so hard to provide for our family, and always makes sure our needs are met. I could not ask for a better husband!

Blessing #2: Family
I have never in my whole life felt as much love and support from our family as we have the last few weeks. I am completely amazed at how much support we have received! I can think of numerous times they have dropped whatever they were doing to come help us. I am so glad they are all so close and that we have such a close knit family. I want them all to know, that we really are so thankful for all that you have done for us--we honestly and truly have the BEST family around! We love you all so much!

Blessing #3: Prayer
Again, I have to be honest. Saying my prayers has been especially hard lately. All of us have heard the phrase "When it rains, it POURS"... This has been the case for us lately. Between everything going on with Brenna, wondering how in the world we are going to pay all of the medical bills, trips to the ER, and trying to make some pretty major decisions, I have questioned whether or not my prayers were being heard. It really takes a lot of effort to get on your knees and tell Heavenly Father that you trust him, and trust in his plan for you, when things seem to be falling apart left and right. I will admit, I have been angry. I have told him that I am angry. I have told him how hurt and upset I am. I honestly believe he knows. He knows everything. He knows how mad I am that he took my baby away. He understands. It has taken time for me to realize that he has never left me alone. There have been little miracles, tender mercies, and continuous love. I have been on my knees numerous times, asking for his forgivness for thinking that he left me alone, and for being so angry with him. Sometimes life seems so dark and dreary, you feel like you are alone, and that no one understands. We tend to focus on all of the bad things, forgetting about the small and simple blessings that we receive daily. As I have tried to focus on my blessings, things seem to go better. It puts things into perspective, things are really never as bad as they seem. There is always someone who has it worse than you do. I consider prayer to be one of my biggest blessings. It is a beautiful gift given to us by our Heavenly Father. I want to challenge each of you, struggling with something or not, to kneel down and say your prayers. When life gets hard, pray. When you don't want to pray, pray more. Open up your heart, and share your desires. They will be heard. I have learned that by sharing my feelings, my wants, and my needs, that I have indeed grown closer to the Lord. He knows me personally, and he knows what is best for me. I cannot begin to imagine what life would be like without being able to say my prayers.

Blessing #4: The Temple
I believe that through the covenants that I have made with my Heavenly Father and my husband in the temple, that I have the opportunity to be with my family forever. I have found much comfort in this. I know that if Tyler and I strive to do our best, and continue to do the things we are supposed to, we will be blessed with eternal life, and be able to have Brenna again. We are more determined than ever to be our best selves, so we can be united in Heaven as an eternal family!

Blessing#5: Angels
This one may seem odd, but during this whole experience I have been blessed with many "angels". I have met numerous people who have helped me and touched my heart in ways that I didn't think were possible. There are people here on the earth who I consider angels, as well as angels up in Heaven who have blessed my life, and made me a better person. Not a day goes by that I don't think of those angels who have been a very big part of our life. There are no words to say how thankful I am for those special angels!

Blessing#6: Love
If there is one thing I have learned throughout this trial, I would say it was love. I have learned how to love with my whole heart and soul. Not just members of my family, not just Tyler, but everyone I come in contact with. My eyes have been opened--I want to share an experience that we had shortly after Brenna passed away.
Tyler and I had just said goodbye to Brenna. I sat down in my wheelchair, with tears streaming down my face. Our parents were waiting outside of Brenna's room for us to head back to my room at University of Utah Hospital. As we were walking back, I was suddenly very aware of my surroundings. My world had completely stopped... We passed numerous amounts of people on our way back to my room. All I could think of was "How can they just act like nothing has happened...? Can't they see I just lost my baby...? Why does everything seem to be going on like normal...?" In that moment, I had a thought. As we continued our walk back to the hospital, the questions changed... "why are they here at the hospital...? What trials are they facing in their life...? What are they having to deal with...?" In a split second I realized that yes, I just lost my baby, but I am not the only one who is going through a hard time. I realized that even though my world completely crashed down around me, there are others who have it a lot worse than I do. I realized that I have the ability to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, and put them back together if I choose to do so. I can also help those around me. I have a new found respect for people. I have a new love for those around me. I have learned that it is so easy to judge, to put other people down. I promised myself, and my Heavenly Father that I would try harder to be more understanding of the people around me. To love them regardless of their flaws, their trials, their habits, their likes, or their dislikes. All of us are linked together--we are all children of our Heavenly Father. We should treat each other as Christ would treat us--with nothing but love and respect. I'm not saying we should go around giving hugs to everyone we see, but rather be more tolerant and understanding of the people we come in contact with. You never know what they are facing in their life, and we should all be more careful to not judge or overstep our boundaries. I am a firm believer that everyone that comes into our life, does so for a reason. They are here to teach us, and help us. Sometimes for the good, and sometimes for the bad. So, before you pass a judgment, take a step back. Ask yourself those questions. Try to look at that person as the Saviors would. I have nowhere near perfected this concept, but I have been trying a lot harder. It really helps me realize the unconditional love my Heavenly Father and my Savior have for me.

My list of blessings could go on and on, but right now these are the most important to me. These are the things that keep me going everyday--Knowing that I have so many wonderful blessings that for the longest time I have taken for granted. It is so easy to overlook the small daily blessings, but if I look for them, I can easily find them, and most of the time they end up being the most precious blessings I have ever received.

"Some blessings come soon, some come late,
and some don't come until Heaven;
But for those who embrace the gospel
of Jesus Christ, THEY COME."
-Jeffery R. Holland


Monday, June 9, 2014

Brenna's Story

 I have been avoiding this. I haven't wanted to post, because I have been scared to. I know that this post will bring back emotions and memories, good and bad, but I know I will have to do it and face it sometime--so why not now?

I'll start by giving you a little bit of a background on what has gone on in the last week.

On May 23rd, I made my move up to Salt lake--which wasn't too bad, Tyler was with me until the 26th. After he left, things got really hard and emotional. I hate being away from him-he is the one that keeps me calm. I stayed with my Aunt Melissa and her family (they were so kind and generous to offer me a place to stay. Thank you!). It was nice to be with family--they took good care of me! We even went on numerous walks, galloped around like horses, and rode scooters to try and put me into labor. No such luck! I was with them until that Wednesday, when I went to my doctors appointment-my mom came up to go with me, Tyler couldn't miss work. We got there, I was nervous--I wanted a plan, and I wanted Brenna OUT! My doctor could tell I was distraught. I was in tears, stressed out, in pain, and hating having to be away from Tyler. She checked me, I had improved, and she scheduled me for induction that night! We were so excited, I bawled for a few hours after my appointment. I couldn't believe it was actually happening!

That night (the 28th) we checked into the hospital--I was nervous, but more ready to meet our sweet girl. I had been contracting since Monday, and was still contracting pretty good on Wednesday, they gave me some medicine to help my body get ready for Brenna's arrival. Within minutes my contractions were so bad, I decided to get my epidural. It was a little piece of heaven! We TRIED to get some sleep, but didn't get much. I was exhausted, still in pain, and the contractions were getting worse. One of the doctors came in around 7am checked me, and told me they were going to break my water. They moved me to a different room, and checked me one last time. Brenna had moved, she was posterior... her hand was on top of her head, her face was trying to come out first. This was not ideal. There was a chance the cord could have gotten wrapped around her neck, and she wouldn't have been able to come out face first. They decided to wait to see if she would turn. Around 11am the doctor came back, and broke my water, he tried to move her hand. (He was a little shocked-Brenna had grabbed his finger, and sucked on it. He had to use his other fingers to pry her hand off of his finger. We knew then that she was going to be a very, VERY SWEET baby.) Her hand moved, but she still did not turn. From then on we played the waiting game. I was exhausted, frustrated, and in pain. Every doctor we talked to said something different. I was almost in tears, I just wanted Brenna here. FINALLY at 10 that night, they made the decision that Brenna probably wasn't going to turn. They took me for an emergency C-Section after 26 hours of labor.

Brenna McKensie was born at 10:42pm on May 29th. She weighed 6lbs 15oz and was 18.5 inches long. She was born with beautiful head of dark hair. She had Tyler's nose and eyes. I wasn't able to see her--she was having problems breathing, so they passed her through to the NICU. She was stable within minutes, and had all of her IV's and her lines in to help keep a valve in her heart open. Tyler was soon able to go back and see her. He took our parents back one by one, to see their new grandbaby. They sent me a couple of pictures through text (thank heavens for technology--I was dying to see my baby!) Finally, the moment came that I was able to see her for real. They wheeled her into my room in a large incubator, (about 10 feet long) they opened the side, and let me touch her hand and face. Time seemed to stop, there she was, my beautiful baby. I have never felt more love than I did in that moment. She was absolutely perfect to me--even battered and bruised after going through 26 excruciating hours of labor. She was a trooper, and the most beautiful little baby I had ever laid eyes on. I was brought to tears just looking at her. I reached for her hand, she turned her head and opened her eyes. I couldn't hold back any more. I sobbed... I blew her a kiss, and off she and Tyler went to Primary Children's Hospital.
She LOVES her Daddy!

Our pretty little baby, bruised from 26 hours of labor!

All of her DARK hair! 
Her TINY little toes--she got Tyler's feet! 
I was torn apart that I wasn't able to go with her. At about 4:30am I was finally moved into my room. I got a call from Tyler, saying that Brenna was doing great-they did some x-rays, and an echo-cardiogram. Tyler was even able to hold her for a few hours. I was so relieved! We both tried to get some sleep. I was so anxious to go see Brenna, but I wasn't able to until about 2:00 that afternoon. They had scheduled Brenna for a Cath surgery at 3. Tyler, my mom, and I rushed over to Primary Children's--and I was able to hold Brenna for the very first time!

I was only able to hold her for a half hour before they took her back to prep her for surgery. I kissed Brenna's head, told her I loved her an handed her back to the nurse. As we were leaving the room I blew her a kiss, and headed back to my room at the U of U hospital. We were anxiously waiting for a phone call telling us that she was done with her surgery. We sat there and waited, waited, and waited some more.

At about 10 that night we received a phone call telling us that the cath surgery didn't go as planned. They had accidentally punctured a hole in her pulmonary artery, which resulted in her losing a lot of blood, and blood pooling around her heart. They kept having to suction the blood from behind her heart. They tried to patch up the hole, and then decided that they had to take her into emergency surgery.

I remember sitting in my hospital room, with our parents there, all of us so shocked we couldn't speak. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought of our sweet baby, and what could possibly happen. Tyler got up and went over to Primary Children's to sign all of the consent forms. When he got back he sat at the side of my bed, put his face in his hands and sobbed. My heart was already beginning to break, but as I sat and watched my husband cry, it broke even more.

It was almost 4:30am before we received another phone call saying that Brenna was back in the Cardiac NICU. We immediately rushed over while Tyler was still on the phone with the surgeon. We learned that during the emergency surgery, they had decided to put her shunt in. We also learned that the hole in her pulmonary artery was still leaking, causing blood  and fluid to continue to pool around her heart. They did not realize it until it was almost too late. Her heart was working so hard to pump, that her liver and kidneys both shut down--she was without oxygen for over 4 minutes. They said that the chances of brain damage were high because of her not having oxygen. We were devastated... we didn't know what to do, or what to think... We got to her room, I immediately went to her bedside. She didn't look like herself-she was wrapped in so many wires, she had oxygen, and her incision was still open from surgery. I felt helpless. I would have traded her places in a heartbeat... I wanted so badly to take away her pain and suffering. We stood there for a while, when Tyler asked if he could give her a blessing. Tyler and our fathers laid their hands on her head, and gave her a priesthood blessing. In that blessing I remember Tyler saying that "your way home has been prepared". I remember thinking that meant we would take her home with us...

We got back to the hospital, our parents headed out, and we tried to get some sleep. We were exhausted. Around 8:30 that morning, Tyler's phone rang again. He jumped out of bed, put his shoes on, and told me he had to go over to see Brenna. He ran out of my hospital room. In that moment I knew something was wrong. There was a pit in my stomach. I felt so sick, I nearly passed out. I called for my nurse--she came running, and called over to Primary's to see what was going on. She passed me the phone and sat with me as I listened to the surgeon explain that Brenna's current condition had worsened over the last few hours, and she wasn't going to make it. My heart instantly shattered. I was shaking. It felt like a bad dream. I quickly hung up the phone, and called our parents. They arrived within minutes. I remember sitting on my bed when my parents arrived. My mom came over, sat down and hugged me as I cried. Tyler came back to get us. We all headed over to Primary Children's.  It seemed like the longest walk of my life. We arrived, and again I got up out of my wheelchair and went straight to her bedside. I grabbed her tiny little hand, and kissed it. I wanted to hold her... Heidi, Brenna's nurse, handed her to me- I sat in the rocking chair holding my precious little girl. The surgeon came in to talk to us. He said there were a couple of different options, one being additional surgery which could potentially prolong her life for a few hours. There were many risks with this option--especially in her already fragile condition. The second was to remove her IV's and wires and just let her be. Tyler and I felt that it wasn't fair to put her through any more. We requested they give her a last dose of pain medicine, to ensure she was comfortable. Tyler and our dad's again laid their hands on her head--this time to give her a name and a blessing. It was one of the most simple and beautiful blessings I have ever heard. I felt so much peace and love in that moment it was overwhelming. I will never forget that precious moment. I held Brenna in my arms as the nurses removed everything from her. I held her close, I wanted to be with her for as long as I could. Within 5 minutes of removing her IV's, Brenna passed away in my arms. It was at that moment when we knew we had made the right decision.

We sat there in silence, with swollen eyes, and tearstained cheeks. Heidi came to get Brenna so she could clean her up, dress her, and take some impressions of her hands and feet. She brought her back in one of the nightgowns I brought. She was wearing her BYU baby booties (in honor of Tyler, my dad, and my brother Josh), and was wrapped in a blanket. Heidi placed her in my arms, and I sobbed. My baby was gone. All I could do was hold her close and keep whispering that I loved her. We decided that it was time to say goodbye (or "see you in a little while"). One by one we passed Brenna around the room. It was such a humbling experience to see our parents with our sweet baby. We know how much they loved her and still love her. After everyone had the chance to love her one last time, we asked that they wait outside of Brenna's room so that we could have some time alone. I took Brenna in my arms--Tyler kneeled in front of the rocking chair, and offered up the most sincere and heartfelt prayer I have ever heard. He got up, sat next to me and told me it was time. I bawled. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay there forever- I held her so tight, they had to pry her out of my arms. I kissed her one last time, and Heidi took her...

Within 36 hours our world had turned upside down. We never thought we would have to face this situation. We are still heartbroken... A piece of our family is missing, and will be until we are reunited in the next life. Although our separation is temporary, it doesn't take away all the pain. We know she is happy--She is now a Perfect Celestial Angel. She was too pure, and too special to live a life on this earth. All she needed to do was come here to gain a body. It is such a blessing and honor to me and Tyler, that we were able to create that body for her. We are so lucky we were able to have the time with her that we did. We are still amazed that such a perfect little girl chose us to be her parents. What a privilege it was to be able to be in her presence--it is not often that you hold an absolutely perfect being in your arms. She truly was our "miracle".

WE LOVE YOU ANGEL BABY BRENNA! You have touched the lives of so many, and I know you will continue to do so in Heaven. Thank you for allowing us to love you and hold you for the time that we could. We can't wait to see you again. Please watch over us, help us, and send us your love. You will always be daddy's "little miss" and my "sweet girl". We love and miss you more than you know.

Mom and Dad


"Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part
Baby of mine."
-Disney's Dumbo

Monday, May 12, 2014


I can hardly believe I am only 2 weeks away from having a baby! I'm FREAKING out a little! (that is only 336 hours away, just in case you were wondering!) It feels like the last few weeks have been a whirlwind--some days pass so slow, but most fly by! I feel like it was just yesterday we found out we were expecting!

I feel as though I should write down my thoughts, and what we have been feeling and experiencing the last few weeks--especially with things getting down to the wire. When I think about the things we have faced, and what we have been through so far, the word that comes to my mind is THANKFUL. Yes, we are thankful for this trial that has been placed in our path--it might sound weird, but I honestly think that Tyler and I have grown together, as well as individually. I feel closer to him now, than I ever have. I am so THANKFUL for him, for his love, his example, and the Priesthood he holds. I know we have been so blessed because of it. He already loves our baby girl so much, and is so excited to be a dad. I know he will be incredible! I love him so much, and am so glad our family is FOREVER! 

I am beyond THANKFUL for my own testimony and knowledge of the gospel. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this would be without the knowledge I have. Even when times are hard, I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who is there to listen and guide me to where I need to be. Without knowing that, I would be a complete mess. I feel like my relationship with him has grown, and that I am coming to know myself better--along with his plan for our family. I trust him 100% and know that everything will be okay.

I am THANKFUL for my little brother Josh, and for his decision to serve a mission. He is a huge example to me--he has been a huge strength to me, and always knows just what to say when I am struggling. He is always concerned about us, and always tells us he loves us. He has an amazing testimony, and I know that he is working hard and having fun. Talking to him for Mother's Day was so great, he couldn't stop smiling. I am so glad he is happy. Brenna is going to LOVE him!

I am SO THANKFUL for my family. They are incredible. I can't imagine my life without them. I am so glad we are so closely knit, and that we live so close. They are always so willing to help us, and have been so understanding, loving, and patient. I am especially grateful for my mom, who is always willing to listen to me, even when I am a sobbing mess. My dad is always willing to give me advice, and he always tells me he loves me, even if we are on the phone. My sisters always make me smile, and are so fun. They will be so good to Brenna, and I am so glad! I love my extended family also. They are always wanting to help, and want the best for us. We are incredibly lucky to be surrounded by amazing people.

I am THANKFUL for the opportunity I have to become a mother. I have never in my life felt more love for someone so small, who I haven't even met yet. I feel as though I already know her in some ways, and am so excited to get to meet her and know her more. I never thought I would say this, but I am THANKFUL for the pain and discomforts I have felt throughout being pregnant. It is a constant reminder to me of the sacrifice of my Savior, who endured so much for me. Even though what I have felt has no comparison to what he suffered, I know that he knows what I am going through, and will offer me peace and comfort. It is also a sweet reminder that I am about to become a mom to a beautiful little girl, and that everything will be worth it when I see and hold her for the first time.

We are so ready to meet Brenna, and help her on her journey through life. We are officially on the countdown, and get more and more anxious everyday! We will have a set induction date next Monday! We are so excited!!


Saturday, April 26, 2014

Quick Update

I just wanted to write a quick update on what has been happening lately. Nothing too exciting, but I feel like I should take a minute and write down what has gone on the last couple of weeks.

We have a big list of things that we need to do, and figure out before Brenna gets here. We have been working pretty hard, and trying to get as much done as possible-it is hard to find time, especially between work, and Tyler starting a new semester of school. We have gotten quite a bit accomplished, but we still have work to do!

We have been able to spend some time with our families lately, which has been so nice! It was so fun to see everyone Easter weekend, and catch up with them! We are so lucky we have such good family, so close to us! That is a HUGE blessing! They are so good to us!

My awesome Mother-In-Law Christine, and her sisters, put together a shower for Brenna and I. It was such a fun time! They are all so sweet, and definitely SPOILED Brenna! She got so many cute things! Thank you again, for a great time!

We got Brenna's quilt back from the quilter! It looks soooo good! She embroidered her name on the top of it, and also put "Believe In Miracles" on the bottom! All that we have left to finish on it is the binding, then we can finish the nursery!! I just can't believe it!

Time is such a weird thing. It seems as though the days drag on, but the weeks fly by! We are starting to get really anxious, as we getting down to the wire. It is hard to believe that we are so close to meeting our baby! It seems like just yesterday, we found out we were expecting!

My belly is getting bigger, and bigger everyday. It's hard to sleep, and I am uncomfortable almost all the time. My feet are swollen, my wedding ring doesn't fit, and my back aches almost constantly--But, I would do it all over again, because I know it will be worth it. Bringing Brenna into this world will undoubtedly be one of the most incredible, sacred, and happy times we will have in this life. There are no words to say how much we already love her, and I know that love will be multiplied by a million when we see her and hold her for the first time!

Reality is starting to set in that we are only a few weeks away from a very new, and semi-frightening journey. My anxiety has definitely kicked in, and I have been having some really rough days. I know that we are facing this for a reason, and that we are being tested and tried. All the bad thoughts I have been having aren't from my Heavenly Father. He isn't giving us this test to set us up for failure. He is giving us this test to become more like him. I know he wants us to be happy, and that he has been helping us the whole time. He is guiding us and directing us down the path, and in the darkest times he provides a loving light that gives us hope! I am beyond grateful that I can talk to him, pour out my heart and soul, share my worries, my defeats, and my accomplishments with someone who understands everything. Without Him, we could not face this.

Just a reminder, that we will be holding a fast for Brenna this coming fast Sunday (May 4th). We would love for all of you to participate if you are able. We know many great blessings have come and will continue to come through fasting and prayers. We also know that there is strength in numbers. We want to do everything we can to help Brenna, and I know that the prayers said in her behalf have already made a difference. Please, please, please, continue to pray for our family--especially Brenna. We are ready to meet her, and to help her in any way we can. We will do anything we have to, to get her healthy and home. Thank You to all of you, who have been so generous, and willing to help us. We love you all so much!


Friday, April 11, 2014

Primary Children's Part 3

Life is Crazy. We are beginning to realize how close we are to having Brenna--It is insane to think that she could be here in less than 7 weeks! We are trying to get things done around the house, but between work and everything else going on it has been hard to find the time (or energy) to get what needs to be done, done.

I'll be honest. I have had a couple of rough days this last week. Emotions have been running high, anxiety has kicked in, and working 8+ hours a day on my feet has about worn me out. But, between the swollen ankles, tears, stress, and anxiety, life is still good! I really shouldn't complain because I know how blessed we really are. Thank heavens for a good Mom, Dad, and Husband! They have been so much help to me-and are some of my biggest blessings.

Today we got to spend the better part of the day at Primary Children's and U of U Hospital. Overall, it was a very good visit, and I am so glad my Mom and Dad were able to go with Tyler and I. It was nice to have my Dad with us, since he hadn't been able to go to an appointment with us. He got to see and experience the "behind the scenes" stuff, instead of just hearing bits and pieces (of what we can remember and retain, it is SO  MUCH information--and a wee bit overwhelming.) of it from us. To start the morning off, Brenna had her Echo-Cardiogram. She was not behaving. She even gave the tech a couple of REALLY good strong kicks, and decided it would be funny to wiggle and squirm almost the entire time! (It was really funny and entertaining to watch the tech jump out of her chair every time Brenna would kick her!) It finally got to the point that the actual Cardiologist had to come in and finish the Echo-Cardiogram. Even though she didn't cooperate, and it took a while, I am so glad to know that she is strong, and likes to wiggle (she definitely likes to make her presence known)! It makes me feel so much better, and I LOVE when I can feel her move and kick! After we finished, we met with our team of doctors, and went over what they saw today--nothing really new, no major changes or worries, (which is GREAT!) and they even said they saw some good signs! They saw some blood flow in her Right Ventricle (the part of her heart that is REALLY underdeveloped, that they didn't think would even work) which gives them some hope that it could possibly keep developing and be able to function! We don't know that it will be able to for sure, but it is always good to hear something positive! (PLEASE, keep praying for the right side of her heart!)

I have a hard time going up to Primary Children's, in fact, I dread it. I am always terrified that they will find something else wrong, or something will have changed for the worse. Today I felt more comfortable than ever, and was so glad that the appointment went so well! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders-I am so glad we are in such good hands! We do not have to go back up to Primary's until she is born, which is bitter-sweet. We have already formed friendships with the doctors, and our social workers--they are incredible! I know that we will for sure see them (soon), but it is hard when they already feel like our family.

We were able to tour the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) and also the NICU, where Brenna will be spending some time before, during, and after surgeries.  I was so nervous to do it, but am so glad I did it. It is kind of scary to see all of the different machines and things, but such a blessing to know that all of that technology is ready and available. It was a lot to take in, but it was a good experience.

I had a regular ultrasound at the U of U and met with my OB. Everything still looks great! Brenna is growing perfectly. She still has lots of hair, chubby cheeks, and apparently has rather large feet! She was weighing at about 4 1/2 pounds which is a little bit bigger than average, but is a good thing! At my next appointment, we will be scheduling Brenna's arrival! We can't quite wrap our minds around that, but we are excited!

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing our family with such a sweet miracle. Even though she hasn't made her appearance yet, she has definitely had a huge impact on us and our families. The love we feel for her already amazes me. I can't wait to meet this special little girl.

We would like to invite all of you to fast with us, this upcoming fast Sunday (May 4th) in Brenna's behalf. It will be the last fast we will hold before she is born. For those of you who have been praying for us, THANK YOU. Please continue to remember our family in your prayers--we have felt a difference! We truly feel the love and support that all of you have given and shown. We love you all!