The last 2 weeks of my life have been a blur. I've had some really really good days, but also a couple of not so good days. The times I seem to struggle most, is when i am alone--or have too much time on my hands. I find that a lot of the time, when I have too much time to think, my thoughts wander--usually to Brenna. I tend to over think, and good thoughts quickly turn into the worst. I find myself almost constantly worried and scared over every little thing.
Tyler and I were talking the other night, about life. Work, school, bills, and of course our current situation. I expressed some of my concern to him, about what i was feeling, and how i had been struggling. I had been praying and praying for some sort of comfort, and finally received an answer to my prayers. Tyler didn't say much, but he did say something that struck me pretty hard. "Negative thoughts and feelings DO NOT come from our Heavenly Father." I had never thought of that before, its such a simple statement, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.
My Heavenly Father is a kind and just God. He knows me, and loves me. He has given us this trial to become better, and to become more like him. He isn't trying to drag me down, or instill negative hurtful thoughts in my mind. He is always there, and is ready and willing to help me. He wants me to succeed, and be happy!
If I have realized one thing the last few days, it is that Satan is real, his influence is real, and he wants nothing more than for me to fail. I have come to recognize his power and influence, especially in hard times. I have felt it more than i care to admit. Its hard to find light in a world full of darkness and despair. He attacks you at your weakest moment, he knows just where to hit you to make it sting. He is the master of all evil, misery, and lies. When i am down, or sad, or worried, he has more power over me, telling me that I cant succeed. That i will fail, that I cant possibly be happy.
I have been thinking about all of this, and came to the conclusion that yes Satan is real, but he only has power over me if I let him. HE IS NOT in control of my life, I make my own decisions, and determine my own happiness. If i let him in, he will take advantage and make my life miserable. If I exercise my faith, and try my hardest to do what is right, I know I will be victorious in this battle. I WILL overcome anything that is put in my path, and will do so trusting in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. It doesn't mean that it will be easy, but worth it. The blessings that I have been promised, if I endure to the end, are far GREATER than anything that i could physically obtain here on the earth.
It's never easy to face any sort of trial, we all have to do things we don't want to at some point in our lives. Sure, facing a difficulty is definitely not fun, or ideal, but I am looking forward to the future, and what it has in store for us. We are so excited (and a wee bit nervous) to meet our precious Brenna, and are ready and willing to do whatever we have to, to get her here, and healthy! It has been such a humbling experience, and blessing to know we get to be parents to a very, VERY special little girl. It is amazing to think that someone so special, and so strong, chose me and Tyler to be her parents. I am counting down the days, until she arrives, and gets to become a part of our family--FOREVER. (It's INSANE to think we are ONLY 13 weeks away from having a baby!! I'm freaking out a little!)
"My life is a gift, my life has a plan,
my life has a purpose, in Heaven it began.
My choice was to come to this lovely home on
earth, and seek for God's light to direct me from
(I will follow God's Plan- LDS Children's Hymnbook)